Self-Betrayal. Self-Sabotage. A glutton for punishment. Why do we stay when we should leave? Why do we tear ourselves down? Why do we accept less than we deserve?
I wish I had all of the answers but the answer to these questions are complex and personal. One thing I can tell you is that we all have betrayed or sabotaged our lives or our success in some way or another. Whether we’ve listened to self-limiting beliefs that we aren’t capable or we’ve put something off, or we’ve played it safe instead of taking risks. We’ve all limited ourselves, sabotaged our future, and accepted less than what could be at some point.
Fear is pervasive. It’s contagious. So often when we doubt ourselves, we look to others who will confirm our beliefs. We look for others who will tell us not to quit the job, to stay in the wrecked marriage because “it’s easier on the kids”, or to wait on chasing our dreams until it’s financially feasible but the biggest mistake we make is thinking we have time.
Time is fleeting and once it passes, it’s gone. Sometimes we accept what’s comfortable but we risk what’s truly possible. So what if it’s hard now? What’s even harder is regret when there’s no more time.
At the end of the day, I can offer you some truths: You are in control of your destiny. You will face hardships whether you stay where you’re at now or whether you take the leap. Time is running out and the most commonly expressed regret of those on their death beds are: not spending enough time with loved ones/working too much and regrets of not chasing their dreams.
Here’s another truth: You fail if you don’t try. So why not fail trying? Set your ego aside for a second and show yourself some compassion. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to not be great at something right away. Everything takes time and hard work. Everything must be learned and practiced to evolve. The question is: Will you regret not trying? Not taking the risk? Not ending a relationship that’s not serving you despite trying every avenue to make it work. Will you regret not choosing you?
Self-betrayal is when we stop meeting our needs, when we stop listening to our inner voice and desires. When we believe the lies our minds tell us when they say we aren’t good enough or strong enough or we won’t survive instead listening to the wisdom that we can grow and change and become strong enough and smart enough through hardworking and time. Self-betrayal is when we stay silent or silence our dreams to play it safe and then when we hit 70 we are filled with sorrow because we never took that risk. Self-betrayal is not feeding yourself when you’re hungry. Hungry for more. Hungry to see what you’re made of. No one says you have to be the best at everything. No one says you have to win the gold medal in every avenue of life. Shocker: there are no medals in life unless you’re in an olympic competition. So what if you’re not the best? What if you just strived to be your best?
What if you just tried. If you fail, guess what? You are still in control and you still have the option to change courses, to try again, or to try something new. You can go back to school and become anything you want to and restart your career at 50. You can write and self-publish a book if you want to. You can start over in a new city. You can recover from the debt of taking your dream vacation (in no way am I saying stop paying your bills) if you make a plan to work for it. You don’t have to be debt free to have kids, they’ll put you in debt the second they’re born anyway. You don’t have to be the smartest person in the room to get that promotion. You don’t have to be perfect to be successful. You don’t have to make a 100k tomorrow for it to be possible for you to make a 100k in 10 years.
I’m just saying: what if everything turned out better than you thought? What if it all worked out? What if you didn’t give up? What if there was happiness on the other side?
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side is a true statement but what we fail to include in this narrative is that it’s our job to water the grass wherever we end up in life. Meaning: it’s our job to work on finding happiness, fulfillment, joy, and peace wherever life leads us. It doesn’t mean you have to stay in a job where you’re undervalued and under appreciated because it pays the bills better than the dream job you have. Look for other ways. Look for opportunity, create opportunity, and learn to trust yourself. If you trusted yourself and if you loved yourself deeply what you would you do? Would you listen to the calling and take the leap?
Stop for a second and ask yourself: What do I want? Repeat it until you get honest with yourself and speak it out loud. Once you find it, ask yourself why. Ask yourself what steps do you need to take to get there. Feeling overwhelmed? That’s because you have an all or nothing mindset. That’s the betrayal creeping in. Stop right there and repeat after me: I do not have to go from A to Z today to make it happen. No one has success overnight. Now ask yourself what step can I make today to achieve that goal? Want to go back to school? Start small: research programs. Fill out a fafsa. You can change your mind at any moment. Just see how you feel when you take that first small step. Try to go from A to B.
Now when you’re doubting yourself think back to a time when you felt this way in the past. When a mountain stood before you and you thought you’d never be able to climb it. Remember how that felt impossible? Remember how somehow, someway you climbed it and you made it to the other side?
This is just like that. You can’t climb your mountain overnight. But you can start taking steps to prepare. You can take your first step. Sure it’s a long journey but it’s necessary. You need the journey to prepare you, to give you the experience you’ll need once you get there. You need the missteps and the mistakes to guide you back to the trail that leads you to where you need to go so embrace the wins and the lessons (that feel like losses) both are needed to succeed and to help you grow into the person you’ll need to be once you get to Z.
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