Inspired by Odesza’s latest release, Better Now. The lyrics “so what if I fall, it’s better than if I didn’t try at all”.
It’s been a rough week emotionally. I feel like I’ve been pulled in a million different directions. From my oldest son dealing with bullies who body shamed him to seeing my ex bf who assaulted me for the first time in a year, to dealing with my ex-husband’s illness. A tsunami of emotions and triggers came hurling toward me as I stood on the beach alone seemingly unprepared for what the tsunami brought destruction and so much anger.
Sometimes in those unexpected moments I forget I’m wearing a life vest. I suddenly feel myself sinking deeper into the abyss as the surface goes out of view and I give in. I let the current take me to bottom of the ocean. I look up knowing I’ll get to the surface again (which is a new revelation in itself) and something in me just relinquishes control. My will dissipates and for the first time in a long time, I sit at the bottom with my feelings and I feel a weird comfort. A comfort in the feeling of drowning. It’s like I’m no longer numb to the human experience. It’s like I’m home again. Hello again pain. How are you trauma? I’ve been waiting for you.
It’s like I feel normal again because now I know the shit I’ve been through should’ve broken me. I should’ve been wrecked when I survived what I survived. I lived for too long on an island made of fairy tales and when I finally stopped fooling myself, it was like I gave myself permission to be scared, to be sad, to be fucking angry. I finally gave myself a way to escape my misery by just owning it.
When I finally started to feel my pain instead of avoiding it, I finally knew how to heal. No more numbness. No more feeling bad for feeling bad. Just unapologetic sadness and the grace I needed to allow myself to be upset that people I trusted harmed me. I took those feelings and I befriended them. I asked them what they wanted me to know. I asked them what they needed me to do to keep myself safe in the future and I looked at them and I reminded myself of what I made it through. I focused on the strength it takes to overcome. I reminded myself in those moments: I am an overcomer.
So I fall. But I fall knowing I’ll swim to the surface again when I’m ready. I’ll float back to the top after I’ve befriended my misery so that I can hear what it has to say. What is it trying to teach me?
I saw a video of an entrepreneur saying he gives himself 5 minutes to feel sad feelings then it’s time to move on. Go fuck yourself. 5 minutes? As a survivor, I think I’ve earned a little bit more than a day. Grief alone cannot be felt in 5 minutes or even a day. But when talking about sadness that comes because of trauma, because of abuse, a day is like 5 minutes. A day to recover from the years of mental anguish this early in my journey is more than fair. I cannot get back online in 5 minutes. I am not a robot. It takes me much longer to recover from my body not being my own. A lot longer to recover from the mental abuse I’ve endured my whole life as a woman who had to live through 4 years of Trump. The abuse I experienced at the hands of my partner.
Don’t even get me started on how much time a person of color should get to recover from systemic trauma alone-I can’t even imagine.
Take a day. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with your emotions. Love yourself in the process. Rest. Do something for you. Refuel. Refill your lungs with air. Explore your feelings. Heal.
When I fall, I now just accept the fall and trust that I’ll get back up. I trust that I’ll try until I’m on solid ground again. I trust myself to not stop trying whether it’s trying to survive or trying to reach my goals but I also recognize life is so precious and short that working my ass off all day every day without stopping to appreciate life or stopping to recover from it is a recipe for burn out. It’s a recipe for crippling depression in my opinion.
When I take a mental health day, I’m saying: I see you, I feel you, I’m here for you feelings. What can we do to take care of you in this moment? Some days I’m better in a few hours, others like yesterday I needed the whole day. I couldn’t get myself to walk outside in the 70 degree weather for even 5 minutes. My mind said: no bandaids today darling, today, we’re doing open-heart surgery. And that’s what I did. I conducted open-heart surgery. I called my therapist, I connected with a friend, I journaled, I watched tv, I took a nap, I fed myself, I showered, and I just sat with it, talked to it, and learned from it so I could be better prepared for the next tsunami.
I let myself fall because I knew today would be better. I knew that I could try again tomorrow.
And you know what… I feel “Better Now”. Thank you Odesza.
Comments